Today is Arnold Day. Seven years ago today I had “brain surgery” to remove the tiniest tumor that had grown on my vestibular nerve inside the intracanalicular canal. The tumor ruined my hearing and the surgery made that permanent and complete. Not sure what all of that means? You can start at the beginning and Meet Arnold.
In re-reading my post from a week after surgery, I find what I wrote does not do justice to how I felt waking up and the days and weeks that followed. The fact that it took me a week to write a blog post should say something about how I was feeling.
When I woke up from surgery, I did not feel like I wanted to survive this. One of my first thoughts was that I would never, ever recommend brain surgery to anyone. This thoughts was closely followed by, "What the heck was I thinking?" And "Who in their right mind opts for brain surgery" Plus there was the despair that I will never be the same again. In that moment, and many moments to come during recovery, I could not imagine pulling myself back together.
The things that I can remember from that time and through those first weeks of recovery:
- I could not get my eyes to hold steady.
- The steroid I was on dilated my eyes so I could not focus on anything up close.
- I would not put my glasses on thinking a clear world bouncing around would nauseate me more than I already was feeling.
- My mouth was so dry that food just stuck there.
- I did not enjoy eating; nothing tasted good or was enjoyable.
- Smells usually delicious nauseated me.
- And there was sciatic pain on top of the pain and ache of my head.
- There was no joy in the usual things: it hurt to sit for long, I could not knit, did not want to watch TV, reading was completely out of the question.
- There was little relief from from any of this discomfort and I kept wishing I could wake up and be better. Needless to say, I was a disaster on all levels.
Reflecting on this day with our world turned upside down helps me to know that this too will pass: that in a few months we will be looking back on this short time and will be able to laugh and reminisce about how much time we had on our hands. We will lament the slower pace and simplicity. We will think about what new things we tried and all the good that came out of this time at home and together with our families. We will all have new skills and new perspectives and know that together we can persevere and get through anything.
